The art of saying no

When we are in the throes of bitterness, anger and sadness our energy tends to be easily depleted. Strong emotions take up the white space in our brains. The path to badassery calls for you to assess the energy drains or energy vampires in your life and say a kind and firm no. Two letters. One sentence. No.

Life Coach and best selling author, Dr. Martha Beck taught me a quick and dirty way of assessing what and who to put my energy into, especially when feeling depleted. She calls it Shackles On or Shackles Off. Does doing “this thing,” going to that event, or being with a specific person feel like Shackles On or Shackles Off? Essentially do you feel like you are being locked up or set free?

For instance, does your throat close up a little at the thought of mingling with your old cronies at your upcoming high school reunion? Shackles on. “Thanks for the invite, I’ll catch you next year.” Or maybe your needy friend wants to discuss her latest drama for hours on end. “I love you and want you to have peace, but do not have the energy to discuss this right now.”

Do you feel lightness and ease when you say yes to the wine and paint party or to help plant a community garden? Shackles Off. “Thanks. I’ll be there in my pony tail and sweatpants.”

Become a first class boundary bitch. Assess what people, events, or ways of being are sucking the life out of you and learn to say a firm and loving no. Clear nos make way for hearty hell yeses.

Feel it to heal it

With the new space you created you now get the arduous and often scary task of actually feeling what has been pushed down, hidden or repressed. It can feel raw and visceral or like knock-you-to-your-knees grief. It may show up as the dull roar of uncertainty or the watery softness of sadness. Typically we spend copious amounts of time resisting our emotions so feeling them may feel foreign and unfamiliar. There are many ways we push aside and distract ourselves from feeling; overeating, jumping from relationship to relationship, busyness or bouts of binge watching the Housewives of Frederick County. However, what we resist persists.

The good news is there is a beginning, middle and end when feeling emotions. According to neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, it takes 90 seconds.

Dr. Taylor describes the 90-second rule as, “Once triggered, the chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.”

There are many ways to feel.

One thing you can try is simply noticing where the emotion is in your body. It could be tension in your shoulders, a set jaw, or a gnawing stomach. It could be an overwhelming feeling of sadness that feels everywhere.

If you are able to, let the emotion or feeling get bigger.

When tuning into it, see if a color or shape comes to mind. Notice if the energy moves when you just allow it to be there without the need to change it. It takes practice. In doing this, you will learn that you can let yourself feel and survive the feeling. You will feel stronger and more capable knowing how to navigate and handle a strong emotion. Every time you allow the feeling to make it’s way through you, you will notice more internal softness or stillness.

If you need support while feeling to heal, contact a therapist, energy worker, pastor, or life coach to help you navigate. Big feelings often benefit from a trusted other who can help you pick up the messy parts and put them back together.